There Are Three Elements of Self-Compassion: Self-Kindness, Common Humanity, and Mindfulness.

 

Self-Kindness

Self-kindness is the practice of being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer or fail, rather than ignoring our pain or self-criticizing. It is important to recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing difficulties is inevitable, and that we need to be gentle to ourselves rather than judgemental.

 

Common Humanity

Common humanity is recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.

 

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness. It is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.

*Modified from Kristen Neff (2,3)

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What Self-Compassion Is NOT

 

Self-Compassion Is Not Self Pity

Self-pitying individuals often become carried away with and wrapped up in their own emotional drama. This leads to feelings of separation from society and personal suffering. Self compassion, on the other hand, allows one to see the related experiences of self and others without these feelings of isolation and disconnection from society. For example: “Yes it is very difficult what I’m going through right now, but there are many other people who are experiencing much greater suffering.  Perhaps this isn’t worth getting quite so upset about…”

 

Self-Compassion Is Not Self-Indulgence

Just giving oneself pleasure may harm well-being (such as taking drugs, over-eating, being a couch potato), while giving yourself health and lasting happiness often involves a certain amount of displeasure (such as quitting smoking, dieting, exercising). For example: “I’m stressed out today so to be kind to myself I’ll just watch TV all day and eat a quart of ice cream.”

 

Self-Compassion Is Not Self-Esteem

Self-esteem refers to our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves. While there is little doubt that low self-esteem is problematic and often leads to depression and lack of motivation, trying to have higher self-esteem can also be problematic. Attempts to raise self-esteem may result in narcissistic, self-absorbed behavior, or lead us to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves. Self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations, and we shouldn't put others down to feel good about ourselves.

*Modified from Kristen Neff (2,3)

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The Physiology of Self-Compassion

Self-compassionate people are less likely to be depressed, anxious, and stressed, and are more likely to be happy, resilient, and optimistic about their future.
 

Positive Feedback On The Brain

• The brain triggering the release of the chemical oxytocin. Oxytocin releases feelings of trust, calmness, safety, generosity, and connectedness.

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• While being self-compassionate your brain eases the amygdala (a part of your brain controlling fight or flight) into a state in such the fight or flight hormone, cortisol, decreases the amount released.

 

• Self-compassion facilitates the ability to feel warmth and compassion for ourselves and others as well.

*All modified from Kristin Neff (4)

 

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Positive Self Talk

The inner voice that guides what you say and do.  Usually self talk is an unconscious process that you are not aware is occurring.  [5]

 

Positive☺

• “I will try my best next time.”

• “There are people who like me.”

• “I will learn something from this situation.”

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Negative ☹

• “It’s too hard.”

• “I can’t do it.”

• “I give up.”

• “There’s no way this makes sense.”

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Steps and Strategies of Positive Self Talk [6]

1. Don’t speak negatively to yourself, and if you do, challenge it with positive statements

2. Use positive phrases to help you to overcome difficult situations

3. Change your negative influences to more positive ones to adopt positive behaviors and attitudes

4. Confront your fears by asking yourself: “what is the worst thing that can happen?”

5. Focus on enjoyable moments

6. Think: what would you say to your best friend going through the same situation?  If you wouldn’t let your friend be negative towards themselves, then why are you allowing yourself to?

7. Meditation: any form of meditation has the potential to retrain your brain and it’s wiring using neuroplasticity

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How Self-Compassionate Are You? [7]

Do you want to see just how compassionate you are to yourself?  Follow the link and take the online test from Dr. Kristin Neff:

http://self-compassion.org/test-how-self-compassionate-you-are/

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Self-Compassion Practices You Can Adapt [8]

• How do you treat your friends: Would you say/do the same things if it was your friend?

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• Self Compassion Break: Can help to evoke 3 aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.

  • Mindfulness: Acknowledging how you feel (this hurts, ouch, this is scary, this is stress)

  • Common Humanity: Remember that everyone has rough patches in life (this sucks, I’m not alone, Other people also feel this way)

  • Be kind to yourself: Allow yourself time to be compassionate to yourself and do the things you love

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• Writing: Ask yourself: What imperfections make me feel inadequate? then try writing a letter in a journal from the viewpoint of a friend.  

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• Change the way you think about yourself

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• Keep a journal or diary

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• Identify what you want:

  • How and why do you self criticize

  • Can you and do you want to be more compassionate to yourself?

 

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Effective Practices For A Positive Mind [9]

1. Breathe

2. Do what makes you happy

3. Talk to yourself like you would to your friends

4. Ask questions

5. Challenge your thoughts and self-talk

6. Embrace your imperfections (they're what make you unique!)

*All modified from Dr. Kristin Neff

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Self-Compassion Tools

How To Practice Self-Compassion

1. Self compassion starts with mindfulness. Acknowledge your suffering and observing any negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity.

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2. Next, you must remember your common humanity. You are not alone. You can’t expect life to be perfect. Hardships, suffering and feelings of inadequacy are part of being human. Recognizing this is an essential part of being self-compassionate.

 

3. Lastly, you must be kind to yourself, comfort and love yourself instead of beating yourself down and telling yourself you're no good. You are not your mistakes. You deserve happiness. Choose happiness.

 

Tell Yourself:

 

You are ok - this too shall pass.

 

You are worthy of kindness, patience, love, belonging and happiness.

 

Happiness is a choice and your deserve to make that choice.

 

You are brave.

 

You are courageous.

 

You believe in yourself.

 

You are not a bad person.

 

You are a good person.

 

You are not your mistakes.

 

Mistakes are an opportunity for growth and bettering myself.

 

So I messed up. How can I be better next time?

 

I will own my mistake. I will remedy it as soon as possible. I will learn from my mistake.

 

Focus on what is good about you.

 

To remember you have unique talents, skills and gifts.

 

To notice the beauty around you.

 

To take 10 really big belly breaths.

I am worth it.

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Sources

1 Neff, Kristin. (19 October, 2015). Be Kind to Yourself. [Online Image]. Retrieved from

http://www.lionsroar.com/three-steps-for-self-compassion-illustrated/

 

2 Neff, Kristin.  (17 February, 2016). Don’t Fall into the Self-Esteem Trap: Try a Little

Self-Kindness. Retrieved from

http://www.mindful.org/dont-fall-into-the-self-esteem-trap-try-a-little-self-kindness/

 

3 Neff, Kristin. (2016). Self Compassion. Retrieved from http://selfcompassion.org/

 

4 Neff, Kristen. (2016). Self-Compassion Physiology. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-self-compassion/201207/the-physiology-self-compassion

 

5 What is self-talk? (2015, November 19). Retrieved March 1, 2016, from

http://au.reachout.com/what-is-self-talk

 

6 Lim, E. (2008, July 15). 7 steps to Positive Self Talk. Retrieved February 28, 2016, from

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/7-steps-to-positive-self-talk/

 

7 Neff, K. (n.d.). Test how self-compassionate you are. Retrieved March 1, 2016, from

http://self-compassion.org/test-how-self-compassionate-you-are/

 

8 Neff, K. (2016). Self-Compassion Guided Meditations and Exercises. Retrieved

February 28, 2016, from http://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises

 

9 Ho, T. (n.d.). 6 Effective Practices for a Peaceful, Positive Mind. Retrieved February 28,

2016, from http://tinybuddha.com/blog/6-effective-practices-peaceful-positive-mind/

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